Lust for Life

I lost the best thing that ever happened to me and i’ve struggled everyday since, but day by day i’m slowly starting to realize that; if they were the best thing for me they’d still be here.  If it’s for me then i won’t lose it. Took me far too long to realize this and begin to value myself. If they’re the best thing ever for me and if they’re that right for me, then they’d still be around.

There was a time when you really want to go back to the past.  Mengubah tindakan atau menghindari kenangan dimasa lalu yang berdampak besar dimasa depan. Ketika memikirkan hal-hal yang terjadi dimasa kini, selalu diawali dengan kata ‘seandainya dulu-‘. Fakta bahwa beberapa manusia hidup bersama penyesalan walau sadar masa lalu tidak akan pernah bisa diubah. However, we must look forward and keep on going. Yang bisa dilakukan hanyalah mengambil makna dan mencoba belajar dari pengalaman sebelumnya. Walaupun hal itu tidak merubah banyak-- setidaknya hidup terus berjalan, waktu terus berlalu. Berlama-lama mengendap dimasa lalu hanya membuang waktu dan membuka lubang luka semakin membesar.

Sometimes it's hard to say goodbye but it's even worse to hold on. Have you ever miss someone you’ve never met before, but never let them know because you have this feeling that they're doing just fine without you anyways? I have. You know it wouldn’t have worked out, but it’s bittersweet memories that urge you to ask them 'how life’s been going?'. Just to know they have joy & peace. And i dont know what's worse; the fact that i still keep thinking about him in a moments that i shouldn't, moments that i should be paying my attention to the world around me and not just on him, or the fact that i never cross his mind, not even just a single, a solitary moment. The fact that he didn't think about me at all.

Have you ever lower your standards for someone? I still remember how big my smile & how the blood rushed into my cheeks at the night when i got home from us hanging out for the first time. I wish I could say that exactly 240 days ago I didn't falling in love with you, but I did. But maybe I was the fool for falling in love with you. What hurts more is i lowered my standards and pride and settled for you who's not usually my type just to be treated right but still got hurt and thats fucking embarrassing. Loving people unconditionally has ruined me completely. 

We can never learn how to unlove a person.  Maybe you can just care less, think about them less, or even cover it up with hate but no, i think you could never undo your love for someone.  You just have to find someone who can outgrow the feelings you had for that person. Or you just have to accept the fact that the person you love can't be yours. Love is pain.

I haven’t been able to sleep well these days. Cried myself to sleep, had nightmares and woke up with a headache.  And it was all because of you, A. I could’ve never imagined what you just did. We used to be friends, but why did you do that? You always act like you care and friendly and all. But why?  Did I do something bad to you that i didn't know? Did i hurt your feelings at one point? You're the first one who lying to me, but i try to forgive it even though you never ever say that you're sorry. Weeks later, i just know the fact that you talk behind my back with someone that i dont even know and accusing me for a person i'm not. Why? Why did you do that? How could you slander me like that? I'm not that person who is looking for drama either and i always wanted to live my own life. But i ain't going silence anymore. This time, everyone deserve to know what's happening between me and you. You got me fucked up, A. You made me suffer a lot. You made me have ni...

I always wonder how does it feel to be have someone so in love with me that they're not sane because of me.  And oh to be loved by someone who really put their care on you. To be loved by someone who always got your back. To be loved by someone that sacrifice theirs only for you.

October really isn't going well for me. Woke up at 1:30am from yet another nightmare. Its worst. My heart is heavy as fuck and i cant breathe properly. I was sobbing and trying so hard to breathe, cry silently, and hug my pillow til i fall asleep again. No one will ever know how painful it was. Been telling myself things like this happened not often, but day by day, i stumbled over new problems. I dont even think i could be mentally stable at any given moment super exhausted and drained and all. Everything is seriously not going well inside. It feels like im currently at the lowest point of my life. And fuck this anxiety honestly i feel nothing but tiredness, tired of telling myself that everything will be alright eventho i know it wont.