Lust for Life

Why do I end up hurting people unintentionally?  I know myself enough to say that I have a temper that I sometimes can’t control. I’ve been pretty good at staying neutral lately, but there are things that just piss me off and once I get mad, I say/do stupid shit that I would regret right after.  More and more, I have been questioning my own morality and perceived sense of self. it’s like i’ve been possessed ‘why am I doing this shit?’ Why is every choice i make so questionable like did i really make the right choice?  Did i not just cause more harm? Didn't i just take away all the happiness there was? Why do i always end up hurting someone eventho thats the last thing i wanted? I never want to hurt someone intentionally. It seems like unhealthy patterns have played a major role in my dynamic, trapping me in a repetitive cycle that’s left me feeling emotionally drained. Or maybe i should just stay alone forever, so noone can get hurt by me anymore.

Have you ever been hurt by someone you thought will never hurt you? It's not that the wound hurts. It's realizing who's holding the weapon that attacked you... That's what hurts the most. Losing a friend is truly heartbreaking. Separating from the person you used to know, it feels like a thousand pieces falling apart. And you wish you could fix everything but time takes its all and the moments begin to fade. All the memories you’ve shared together fade away. A loss.

Do u know what’s terrifying?  u NEVER know someone’s true intentions.  u NEVER know what someone’s thinking. Trusting people is scary. knowing that they can go against u at any time. enough to let them into ur life comes with a risk and sometimes it feels like ure stepping into the unknown. its like giving them ur back and a knife, and letting them chose; stabbing or protecting u.  it’s the absolute fear that u never actually know someone’s true intentions like u just have to believe them and hope ur no gettin fucked over?  It's sad and unfortunate when we think some people r genuinely good, but they end up being a big disappointment. Trust is already hard to give, and when this happens, it makes it even harder.

Next time you fall in love, make sure that you are ready to fall and build the love together, not just because you are lonely. Of course there are trial and error in the process of having this "perfect love" to finally found someone who could give you the best love that you deserve, the perfect love and this perfect person also come from the same effort, mutual understanding to make it work.  There are no easy perfect lovely and beautiful relationship that doesn't require sacrifice, arguments.  Takes lots of thicks and thins and so much hard conversations but you will know when you finally found someone that could hold your hands together to face it all.  I believe sooner or later you will found yours.  One day you will found someone who will make all the waiting finally seem to worth it. The one person that could make you feel safe in their arms and you realized that they are worth your existence and your time. Being surrounded by genuine people who actually care ab...

I wanna sit on someone’s lap and feed them strawberries and gaze into their eyes lovingly while also occasionally giggling bc of how happy and giddy they make me feel. I wanna be loved at my best, and also at my lowest, I wanna feel loved when I feel the prettiest, also when I feel the ugliest. I want to be loved for who I am, when I make mistakes, when i learn and grow old.  I just wanna feel genuine love.

Started crying again and suddenly thought i need to talk to someone. Its so frustrating that now i have to rely on someone for support system that i cant just be on my own.  i miss the moment when my actions/thoughts/feelings arent influenced by the externals, by anything but myself, the most liberating time when i dont have to depend on anything. like right now my tolerance for being alone is getting lower and lower it baffles me how the wall that i've been building to suppress the need of *needing* someone is.. where is it now